Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Crazy Magnet Part 1
It is a blessing and a curse being endowed with the natural ability to attract crazy people. Luckily, San Francisco is full of them, and the jury is still out on the theory that San Francisco is a breeding ground for them. I have no proof to offer, but I firmly believe that there is an underground facility in the center of the city where the crazies are manufactured and released unto the world through tunnels in the BART system.
As a tribute to the crazies I have encountered in San Francisco, I will detail some of my best encounters with them.
Part 1: Crazy Chinese Fervent McCain Supporter Lady
Not too long before the election this pat November, I was riding the MUNI bus on my way to work after a doctor's appointment. The MUNI, as usual, was crowded elbow to elbow with people. This elderly Chinese lady with a giant fruit-bowl pretending to be a hat was sitting down right in front of me, and I am standing surrounded by several people. The following dialogue ensued, and though the lady's English was not very good, she certainly gets plus points for wearing a silly hat and enough make-up to add a couple of pounds to her net weight.
*Quiet on the bust, people standing , minding their own business when suddenly:
Elderly Chinese Lady (ECL): AAAYYEEEEEEE!!!
*She sneezed. the sneeze sounded more like a terrifying scream. It startled the shit out of everybody*
Me: Bless you!
ECL: What (a little perturbed)?
Me: Bless you
ECL: Bless Me? God Bless Me!
Me: Yes
ECL: God Bless America!
Me: O...K.
*I notice now she is wearing a giant "God bless America" pin on her blouse. I start thinking about whether "God Bless America" pins are made in America or China.*
ECL: God bless the united states of America! I watched the debates last night!
Me: Oh Ok.
ECL: Did you watch them?
*I am wondering why the hell this lady picked me instead of someone else around me, but I guess that's what I get for being polite and wishing her God's blessing*
Me: No, I didn't want to watch this one
ECL: This was the best one!
Me: Eh, they just say the same things every time. Nothing new.
ECL: No! This one was the best!
Me: Ok.
ECL: McCain was very good. I like what he said.
Me: mmhmm.
ECL: Obama, he say the same thing every time... McCain speak better
Me: Really?
ECL: Yes, even Obama go to Harvard, McCain English is much better.
"yes")
ECL: Yes! it is twice as good (holding up two fingers to indicate how much twice is)
Me: twice as good?
ECL: twice as good! Obama, he is a puppet (opening and closing her hand, mimicking puppets that open and close their hands similarly), he just say what the democrats want
Me: ok.
ECL: McCain is a better president because he is more patriotic. he fight for the country
Me: Really? He did?
ECL: Yes! He fight, he was in prison in Vietnam! you don't know??
Me: No, i never heard that.
ECL: do you read the news?!?
Me: Nope. never.
ECL: you should! I read the news everyday!
*The sobering reality hits me that this lady is never going to leave me alone*
Me: what do you read?
ECL: Everything. All news.
Me: Just like Sarah Palin!
ECL: Yes, I read SF Chronicle
Me: Very good.
ECL: even Chinese people they read the news here in America. all of them, old and young they read American news. you should read too.
Me: mmhmm.
ECL: I voted for Hilary because i wanted a woman president. She only support Obama because he is democrat. I vote now Mccain
*I begin to think of the similarities between Hilary Clinton and John McCain that would make it a debatable choice between the two. Aside from the fact that they are both male, I can think of nothing.*
Me: ok.
ECL: you should read the news.
Me: yup.
*she then proceeded to quiz me in Chinese politics, even having the balls to say "let's see if you are smart! if you are smart you can answer this!". I couldn't answer this, whatever this was.*
ECL: Oh! stop (to the bus driver) I need to get off! I get off here!
*As she gets up, I notice that she is wearing a giant poofy dress that was apparently fashionable in the Renaissance days, the ones with the metal frames that make her look like she has giant growths on her hips. Without so much as a goodbye, the lady, her fruit basket hat, and her giant tutu rush off the bus. And I didn't get the chance to ask her where she got her "God Bless America" pin.*
As a tribute to the crazies I have encountered in San Francisco, I will detail some of my best encounters with them.
Part 1: Crazy Chinese Fervent McCain Supporter Lady
Not too long before the election this pat November, I was riding the MUNI bus on my way to work after a doctor's appointment. The MUNI, as usual, was crowded elbow to elbow with people. This elderly Chinese lady with a giant fruit-bowl pretending to be a hat was sitting down right in front of me, and I am standing surrounded by several people. The following dialogue ensued, and though the lady's English was not very good, she certainly gets plus points for wearing a silly hat and enough make-up to add a couple of pounds to her net weight.
*Quiet on the bust, people standing , minding their own business when suddenly:
Elderly Chinese Lady (ECL): AAAYYEEEEEEE!!!
*She sneezed. the sneeze sounded more like a terrifying scream. It startled the shit out of everybody*
Me: Bless you!
ECL: What (a little perturbed)?
Me: Bless you
ECL: Bless Me? God Bless Me!
Me: Yes
ECL: God Bless America!
Me: O...K.
*I notice now she is wearing a giant "God bless America" pin on her blouse. I start thinking about whether "God Bless America" pins are made in America or China.*
ECL: God bless the united states of America! I watched the debates last night!
Me: Oh Ok.
ECL: Did you watch them?
*I am wondering why the hell this lady picked me instead of someone else around me, but I guess that's what I get for being polite and wishing her God's blessing*
Me: No, I didn't want to watch this one
ECL: This was the best one!
Me: Eh, they just say the same things every time. Nothing new.
ECL: No! This one was the best!
Me: Ok.
ECL: McCain was very good. I like what he said.
Me: mmhmm.
ECL: Obama, he say the same thing every time... McCain speak better
Me: Really?
ECL: Yes, even Obama go to Harvard, McCain English is much better.
"yes")
ECL: Yes! it is twice as good (holding up two fingers to indicate how much twice is)
Me: twice as good?
ECL: twice as good! Obama, he is a puppet (opening and closing her hand, mimicking puppets that open and close their hands similarly), he just say what the democrats want
Me: ok.
ECL: McCain is a better president because he is more patriotic. he fight for the country
Me: Really? He did?
ECL: Yes! He fight, he was in prison in Vietnam! you don't know??
Me: No, i never heard that.
ECL: do you read the news?!?
Me: Nope. never.
ECL: you should! I read the news everyday!
*The sobering reality hits me that this lady is never going to leave me alone*
Me: what do you read?
ECL: Everything. All news.
Me: Just like Sarah Palin!
ECL: Yes, I read SF Chronicle
Me: Very good.
ECL: even Chinese people they read the news here in America. all of them, old and young they read American news. you should read too.
Me: mmhmm.
ECL: I voted for Hilary because i wanted a woman president. She only support Obama because he is democrat. I vote now Mccain
*I begin to think of the similarities between Hilary Clinton and John McCain that would make it a debatable choice between the two. Aside from the fact that they are both male, I can think of nothing.*
Me: ok.
ECL: you should read the news.
Me: yup.
*she then proceeded to quiz me in Chinese politics, even having the balls to say "let's see if you are smart! if you are smart you can answer this!". I couldn't answer this, whatever this was.*
ECL: Oh! stop (to the bus driver) I need to get off! I get off here!
*As she gets up, I notice that she is wearing a giant poofy dress that was apparently fashionable in the Renaissance days, the ones with the metal frames that make her look like she has giant growths on her hips. Without so much as a goodbye, the lady, her fruit basket hat, and her giant tutu rush off the bus. And I didn't get the chance to ask her where she got her "God Bless America" pin.*
Thursday, January 15, 2009
To Toot Or Not To Toot, It's Still A Hoot!
Here's a fun an incredibly embarrassing story that happened to me at the office the other day.
As some of my Norelco Groomer using friends can attest, grooming with the Norelco makes operations down under a lot smoother. For those of you who don't know what the Norelco groomer is, google it, or just go ahead and get one on Amazon. It is a magical device that, for the first time in my life, has made me aware of the existence of my taint. One of its other benefits is that farts become magical, something else altogether. It's much more difficult to keep them in without the butt hair muffler in the way. They're like escaped convicts running for their lives from their ass prison. They even sound different, healthier, louder; every single one ringing with a reverberating "BRRRRAAAPPPTT".
I was going through our legal files yesterday, standing, when suddenly my ass committed an office felony without my approval. The ninja fart snuck up on me like a stinky assassin and, before I could do anything about it, "BRRRAAAAPPPTT"!
It's futile to pretend that I didn't notice anything. The surprise attack froze me to the spot, but a split second later, I regained my composure and shuffled files back and forth, closed and opened drawers; anything to make a lot of noise. Maybe they'll confuse the fart for rustling papers inside a steel cabinet.
It looks like my plan had worked. No one mentioned a thing, no one looked up or giggled. I was in the clear.
Or so I thought. My boss and I were helping one of the secretaries move a desk, and my boss was cracking jokes. She commented that he's "such a hoot today", to which he responded "better a hoot than a toot", while shooting me a sly look with a mischievous smile.
I'm not sure how many different shades of red I turned, but thank goodness my boss finds farts funny. Ah Norelco, you are a blessing and a curse.
As some of my Norelco Groomer using friends can attest, grooming with the Norelco makes operations down under a lot smoother. For those of you who don't know what the Norelco groomer is, google it, or just go ahead and get one on Amazon. It is a magical device that, for the first time in my life, has made me aware of the existence of my taint. One of its other benefits is that farts become magical, something else altogether. It's much more difficult to keep them in without the butt hair muffler in the way. They're like escaped convicts running for their lives from their ass prison. They even sound different, healthier, louder; every single one ringing with a reverberating "BRRRRAAAPPPTT".
I was going through our legal files yesterday, standing, when suddenly my ass committed an office felony without my approval. The ninja fart snuck up on me like a stinky assassin and, before I could do anything about it, "BRRRAAAAPPPTT"!
It's futile to pretend that I didn't notice anything. The surprise attack froze me to the spot, but a split second later, I regained my composure and shuffled files back and forth, closed and opened drawers; anything to make a lot of noise. Maybe they'll confuse the fart for rustling papers inside a steel cabinet.
It looks like my plan had worked. No one mentioned a thing, no one looked up or giggled. I was in the clear.
Or so I thought. My boss and I were helping one of the secretaries move a desk, and my boss was cracking jokes. She commented that he's "such a hoot today", to which he responded "better a hoot than a toot", while shooting me a sly look with a mischievous smile.
I'm not sure how many different shades of red I turned, but thank goodness my boss finds farts funny. Ah Norelco, you are a blessing and a curse.
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